Today is a bad day for me. I should say it's a miserable day as I never really think hard about what actually is motherhood? To become a mother? To earn money to buy things for my kids and provide them with the best education, best in everything? To shower them with endless love? How?? Probably I really need to think again what motherhood is all about? Perhaps I'm not doing something that I should?
En En is now very possessive, stubborn and objects on things that we told her cannot do. She's getting difficult to handle nowadays as she won't listen to what we say and insists that she wants to do this on her own will. I feel like a fail mother because I'm totally unable to control her or coax her to be more obediant.
It started this morning when Ah Kong suddenly switch channel from En En's PHDC from Astro. In fact, the small TV of her is playing her favourite cartoons that she asked. Immediately, En En cried out loud and refused to cry and scream even Ah Kong switched back to PHDC for her. So, both TV is playing En En's programme but still she continued to cry. She screamed (purposely) for 1 hour, refused to bath, refused everyone that got near her. She's throwing a super huge tantrum today. Maybe it's her tactics to tell us that she wants to have everything in her ways, she wants to win in everyhthing. Once it's not right, we got to persuade her back. Normally, only MIL is the one who plays this role because En En only selected her (and not mummy :(... )!
Seriously, she's spoiled because everyone pampered her. I tried to talked to her, locked both of us in the room. She still didn't stop crying but only lower her voice. I tried to distract her attention, tried to make jokes, tried to hold her, tried to reason with her... all failed! See, mummy loose over here. She even rejected to be held! Ever since En En was a small baby, MIL is the person that take care of her even until today! Will this be the reason? I know fom the day she's borned, I'm going to lose her... because I never pamper her or show her my love as much as MIL. Bet you, that's why I decided not to lose the second baby and become SAHM. But then again, this makes me confuse whether it's because I spend too much time with baby Z and En En feels neglected? I admit most of the time is devoted to baby Z but once I have the time, I'll take over the tasks like bathing En En, feeding her, tell her a story or do some drawings with her. In short, spend time with her as much as I can. One thing for sure is mummy kisses is definitely lesser than MIL because I'm not brought up that way (always kiss baby type). Is this the reason too?
In my heart, my love for my two kids is the same but because I don't reveal it often so I lose over those who show and do it everyday for En En? Really don't know how and what else I can do. If there's a New Year Resolution for myself and that will definitely to be a better mother and bonding well with En En as well as baby Zheng...