Wednesday, January 21, 2009

What is Motherhood?

Today is a bad day for me. I should say it's a miserable day as I never really think hard about what actually is motherhood? To become a mother? To earn money to buy things for my kids and provide them with the best education, best in everything? To shower them with endless love? How?? Probably I really need to think again what motherhood is all about? Perhaps I'm not doing something that I should?

En En is now very possessive, stubborn and objects on things that we told her cannot do. She's getting difficult to handle nowadays as she won't listen to what we say and insists that she wants to do this on her own will. I feel like a fail mother because I'm totally unable to control her or coax her to be more obediant.

It started this morning when Ah Kong suddenly switch channel from En En's PHDC from Astro. In fact, the small TV of her is playing her favourite cartoons that she asked. Immediately, En En cried out loud and refused to cry and scream even Ah Kong switched back to PHDC for her. So, both TV is playing En En's programme but still she continued to cry. She screamed (purposely) for 1 hour, refused to bath, refused everyone that got near her. She's throwing a super huge tantrum today. Maybe it's her tactics to tell us that she wants to have everything in her ways, she wants to win in everyhthing. Once it's not right, we got to persuade her back. Normally, only MIL is the one who plays this role because En En only selected her (and not mummy :(... )!

Seriously, she's spoiled because everyone pampered her. I tried to talked to her, locked both of us in the room. She still didn't stop crying but only lower her voice. I tried to distract her attention, tried to make jokes, tried to hold her, tried to reason with her... all failed! See, mummy loose over here. She even rejected to be held! Ever since En En was a small baby, MIL is the person that take care of her even until today! Will this be the reason? I know fom the day she's borned, I'm going to lose her... because I never pamper her or show her my love as much as MIL. Bet you, that's why I decided not to lose the second baby and become SAHM. But then again, this makes me confuse whether it's because I spend too much time with baby Z and En En feels neglected? I admit most of the time is devoted to baby Z but once I have the time, I'll take over the tasks like bathing En En, feeding her, tell her a story or do some drawings with her. In short, spend time with her as much as I can. One thing for sure is mummy kisses is definitely lesser than MIL because I'm not brought up that way (always kiss baby type). Is this the reason too?

In my heart, my love for my two kids is the same but because I don't reveal it often so I lose over those who show and do it everyday for En En? Really don't know how and what else I can do. If there's a New Year Resolution for myself and that will definitely to be a better mother and bonding well with En En as well as baby Zheng...

3 comments:

Lian said...

First of all, congrats on the new baby and your decision to be a SAHM. Unfortunately you are facing lots of frustration. I wish I had the magic answer to make things better. But all children are different and the family dynamics are different too. You'll have to keep on experimenting to see what will work for you and your children.
One thing I've learned is that if we want our children to change, we have to change ourselves first. We're only going to get the same results if we keep doing the same thing.
We also have to think about achieving a win-win situation. I should put this up on my wall coz' it's easy to forget. Lot's of times we want things done our way - coz' we're the parents right? But our children also have a mind of their own. Our trouble starts when we get into a "my way vs. your way" battle. Maybe we can try to look for "our way" so everybody wins.
I'm not sure if I'm helping. Just know that you are not a "bad parent". I can see you are trying and that you care. How can that be a "bad mother"? You're just out of ideas that's all.
Came across an article just now, maybe it'll help:
http://www.instinctiveparenting.com/flex/the_heart_of_parenting_nonviolent_communication_in_action/167/1
I also find this a good book to read: "Liberating Parents, Liberating Children" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

lotus said...

I beg to differ slightly with Lian(my way vs your way).
FOr older children what Lian said is true to achieve win-win situation, but children younger than 4 should still be trained in the most basic skills of teachability, listening, and concentration. Some decisions that young children make cannot achieve win-win. BUt as they grow older and more understanding you allow more and more decisions to be open to their choices. Have to start from the beginningn if the process is to be painless.

Perhaps it is too late to guide En En in this way now, just love her and try to prepare her for the future.

It's a tough balance to train our children on one hand and to allow them to do what they like on the other hand.

The fact that you are thinking about it serves to show how much you love her for the long haul, regardless of what the situation looks like in the short term.

KittyCat said...

I think En En can feel your "guilt" and is testing your love - you have to show her that no matter how naughty she is, you will still love her.

Get her to "like" you first by not scolding/punishing her first. Once she likes you, you can then slowly play the motherly role.

I don't put up with tantrums thus when Lucas is unreasonable, I just ignore him. If it gets worse, I'll put him in a naughty corner.

If he throws a fit, I throw him out of the house (he can still see inside the house thru the metal grill).

As you said yourself, MIL took care of En En and probably knows all about her.

I think it's good you're making it a 2009 resolution to bond with En En. Remember that MIL bonded with her from Day 1 until ??? thus it will take time for En En to get close to you.

Hubby was away from Lucas for about 6 months and he was kind of rejected when we were together again.

Thus, Hubby always played the "good guy" and let Lucas feel that being with Papa is nice, happy and fun.

After a year now, Hubby is his best friend and can also scold him when he's naughty.

Be patient ok...that's what Mothers are for :)